


Talk to me

by darkroses



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Confused Sam, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Exorcisms, Hurt Sam, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Protective John Winchester, Rape, Regret, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-04-17 21:47:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4682585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkroses/pseuds/darkroses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John walked in on the unthinkable. He never wanted this to happen but he needed answers. He hoped this wasn't true. He hoped there was another reason.</p><p>Ages of the boys is unstated but underage is implied.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“How long has it been going on?”

That was a question that required an answer. Sam knew this. He just didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want anyone to hate him. He thought he would be put in foster care or thrown out on the street if he told anyone. Silence was Sam’s answer.

“Sammy, this isn’t your fault. I will love you no matter what you say, but I have to know.”

Love. He said he loved Sam too but Sam wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that. It could ruin his image and all. He taught Sam that love hurt but the comfort after the hurt was nice. The apologies and the gentleness of it all, it made everything almost become wanted. Sam couldn’t confess to that though. Sam didn’t know what to confess to.

Sam heard a sigh. “Please Sammy, just talk to me. I know this is hard. Do you want a soda or some candy?”

Bribery. He did that too. He would let Sam have a treat for doing what he wanted. Sometimes, it was worth it. Sam never had much in life so a new book to read or a sugary coffee made Sam feel special. He liked feeling special. He never felt special with anyone else. No one else ever noticed him.

Another sigh was heard. “Sammy, will you at least let me check you to make sure you’re alright? We can go to the hospital if you’re more comfortable with someone else looking. I need to know you’re not physically injured.”

Unharmed. Sam remembered that too. He had to do things so he wouldn’t get hurt. So it would hurt less. It still hurt but he was always touched in ways that made the pain go away. Sam didn’t want to be touched like that right now. He didn’t want anyone to touch him like that.

He felt a hand on under his chin. Sam looked into his father’s teary eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t protect you, Sammy. I’m sorry I was so focused on revenge, I didn’t notice you. I can never make it right, but I want to help you. Please let me help you.”

Dad was never there to protect him. He never protected him from the monsters and things that go bump in the night. How could his father protect him from this? How could he even understand what this was? Sam didn’t even understand.

His father released his face and said again, “How long has this been going on?”

_He was sleeping and he woke up to someone grinding against him. Sam stilled and clutched the cheap sheets. He could feel something hard poking his butt. He was afraid and he didn’t understand. Sam struggled and whined, “Let me go.”_

_“Shh baby boy, you’re okay. I’m not going to hurt you, just stay still.”_

Sam shook his head of the memory and asked, “Can I have a soda?”

His dad nodded sadly, “Yeah Sammy, just give me a minute.” Sam watched his father leave the room.

_He didn’t like this. He didn’t want to be down on his knees like this with a hand wrapped in his hair. He thought he might get his hair pulled out if he didn’t listen. Sam didn’t know what was going on._

_“Open your mouth.”_

_Sam opened his eyes then. He had seen this penis before but never so close to his face. It was different from his. It was hard and leaking something. Sam didn’t want to open his mouth. He thought something bad would happen if he did. He just didn’t know what._

_“Don’t you want to make me happy? I give you everything. You should be able to give this to me?”_

_Sam felt selfish now. He was always selfish. His dad said so too. He was always selfish when he didn’t do as asked. Sam opened his mouth because he didn’t want to be selfish like his dad said he was. He wanted to be a giving person. He wanted to be a good person. This was how he could be good. This was how someone would notice him for once. Maybe if he was good enough, he could even be loved. No one loved him or wanted him. He was just a burden. He could do this to make himself less of a burden._

Sam curled up on the bed after his father left the room and he cried. He didn’t believe his dad. He didn’t want anyone to hate him. He didn’t want to be selfish and stubborn like his dad said he was. Sam sobbed so hard he didn’t hear the motel room door open again. He felt a dip on the bed and his father’s hand on his shoulder.

“It will be okay, Sammy. I love you and I am not mad. It’s okay to cry.”

_Sam whimpered because it hurt. The pain caused him to cry and the hands tightened on him. It hurt so badly. He felt a hand come down and touched his penis. The strokes slowly made the pain fade into the background. The pain was still there but so was pleasure._

_“See good boys don’t have to suffer. Good boys feel good.”_

_Sam didn’t think he wanted this but he wanted to be good. No one said he was good except for him. He was always just a screw up. He was someone everyone loved to hate. He never did anything right but maybe he could do this right._

Sam calmed himself and sniffled. He took the soda from his dad and took a few sips. He tried not to think about how soda was a reward for doing as he was told. It had connotations his father didn’t know about. It was something his dad would know if his dad had ever taken an interest in his life.

“Sammy, why don’t you get some rest? We can talk later. How does that sound?”

Sam nodded and laid down on the bed. He flipped over his pillow because it was wet with tears. He closed his eyes and tried to will himself into a dreamless sleep. He didn’t ever want to wake up. Sam didn’t want to face the disappointment he caused his father. He wasn’t able to do anything right again.

++

John left Sam alone in the room as soon as he was sure his son was asleep. He walked over to their other room where he left Dean handcuffed to the bar inside the bathtub. John stared at his eldest son who wouldn’t meet his eyes. Dean had the beginnings of a black eye from where he hit his son after he pulled him off of Sammy. John didn’t want to think about what Dean was doing to Sammy.

John sighed and sat down on the toilet. He looked away and said brokenly, “Why Dean? Why did you do _that_ to your little brother? You were supposed to look out of him.”

Dean shrugged, “I did. I made him feel loved and good. You never did that for him.”

John let out a slow breath and said slowly, “When did it start, Dean?”

Dean smiled. A big toothy grin. “When I hit puberty. He was so scared at first. You should have seen his face. He didn’t understand what was happening and he had no one to ask but me.” Dean laughed.

John closed his eyes and started to recite the exorcism. He hoped this wasn’t really his son talking. He prayed it wasn’t really his son. As the recited words drew to a close, John looked into the same green eyes of his son. There was no black smoke. There was no angry demon trying to make a point. There was only his son.

John didn’t know what to do now. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't going to add more to this story but I decided to ask a second part since a couple people asked nicely. 
> 
> It is pretty dark and ages are mentioned. Sam is thirteen so consider yourselves warned.

Sam ate silently at Pastor Jim’s house. This was his dad’s solution to what he saw between him and Dean. Sam could see the disappointment in his father’s eyes. He could see the sorrow. The loss of something Sam didn’t quite understand. It looked like mourning to Sam, but Sam didn’t understand what his dad would be mourning.

Dean was still alive. He had seen Dean on their drive to Pastor Jim’s place. Sam got to sit shotgun to their dad for once. He could feel Dean’s eyes on him the entire drive. Dean was tied up and gagged in the backseat but Sam knew Dean was still looking at him.

It made Sam want to save Dean and beg for forgiveness for something. He just wasn’t sure what he needed forgiveness for. He didn’t tell. He stayed quiet like he was supposed to. He was a good boy like Dean wanted. Only, Sam didn’t feel like a good boy right now. He was afraid.

His dad and Pastor Jim had taken Dean down to the basement. Sam didn’t know what was down there but he heard the sound of chains. He didn’t want Dean to be tied up. Sam didn’t think Dean did anything wrong. He could hear the chains rustle every now and then. He could hear Dean’s cry for help, although he couldn’t make out the words.

Sam was alone now with Pastor Jim. His dad went to town to get supplies for something. Sam stared at his uneaten sandwich. He knew no one brought Dean a sandwich. It seemed unfair for him to eat and Dean not to eat.

Pastor Jim’s gentle voice startled Sam out of his thoughts. “Sammy, how is school going? You’re in eighth grade now, right?”

Sam blinked a couple times at Pastor Jim then he tore his gaze away. He didn’t feel like talking right now. Anything he said would likely get him in trouble if not a beating from his dad than a beating from Dean. Sam didn’t want to get beaten again. Silence seemed like a better alternative.

“Your dad and I will get enrolled in school in a couple days. I think you need a sometime to clear your head. You’ll be staying here for a while with your dad. Does that sound okay?”

No, that did not sound okay. Nothing was ever okay and Sam knew better than to get hopeful about staying in one place. He knew that was a lie. It was better not to get hopeful. Hopefulness leads to disappoint. Disappoint leads to anger. Anger leads to Sam speaking out of term and getting beat. It was better to stay silent like a good boy.

“You know Dean can’t hurt you anymore, right?”

Sam doubted that. Dean would find a way back to him and he would punish Sam. Their dad would turn a blind eye and everything would go back to the way it was. If Sam tried to pull away from Dean and go to his dad, his dad would yell. Sam never believed that his father loved him or cared about him. Dean told him that Dad didn’t love him.

“You’re safe here, Sammy. I promise. You can stay here as long as you like, even if your dad decides to leave. Dean will be leaving soon. You’ll never see him again. It will be okay. I promise.”

Sam wondered in what context Pastor Jim meant Dean would be leaving. He pushed his sandwich a way and pleaded, “Please don’t hurt Dean. It.. It’s not his fault. It’s mine. I.. I am.. There is something e.. evil inside of me.”

Sam heard a sigh and Sam felt ashamed. He wanted cry again but his tears ran dry at some point. He wasn’t sure when that happened.

A gentle voice soothed Sam’s worry. “You’re not evil, Sammy. What Dean did to you was evil. Don’t worry about Dean. He’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. We just have to make sure the two of you aren’t around each other that is all. We don’t want Dean to hurt you anymore.”

Sam nodded and stared off into space. He wasn’t sure what to think.

_“Sammy, take off your shirt.”_

_Sam looked at Dean with confusion. He wanted to read the book he checked out from the library at school. It was a chapter book. A neat chapter book where he could make choices at different points in the story to change the outcome._

_Sam kept his eyes down because he knew looking at someone in the eyes made them angry or at least it made Dean angry. “I don’t want to take off my shirt.”_

_Dean growled and Sam tried to make himself smaller by curling into himself. Dean grabbed him by his hair and pulled him back. Sam could see anger in Dean’s eyes and he forced himself to look away. He watched Dean swipe his book off onto the floor._

_“Take off your shirt now.”_

_Sam obeyed after Dean released his hair. He was afraid. Dean was circling around him now and Sam felt a tremble go through his body. He was going to get beaten today._

“Sammy? Are you okay?”

Sam glanced back at Pastor Jim. He got lost in a memory again. He looked away as he remembered his lessons. Dean liked to beat the lessons into him. Sam took a slow breath.

He heard Pastor Jim repeat, “Sammy, are you okay?”

Sam stared at the ceiling of Pastor Jim’s kitchen for a moment. Then he shook his head no. Tears found their way back to his eyes. He felt a gentle hand pulling him in for a hug. It felt nice to have someone comfort him. No one ever did that for him without him having to earn it. Even then it was only Dean that gave him comfort.

“Shh Sammy, it is okay. Everything is going to be okay. What are you afraid of?”

Sam sniffled and clutched the front of Jim’s shirt. He pleaded, “Please don’t let them beat me. Please, I can be good.”

He felt Pastor Jim gently rubbing his back. It felt nice unlike when Dean touched him there. It never felt okay with Dean. Sam felt himself start to calm in Pastor Jim’s gentle hold.

“Did Dean beat you when you didn’t obey him?”

Sam nodded yes into Pastor Jim’s shirt. He couldn’t bring himself to speak right now.

“And your father? Did he beat you?”

Sam nodded again and muttered softly. “Only when Dean told him I didn’t listen.”

He felt Pastor Jim still his movements for a moment. Then the gentle backrub continued. Sam let himself cry and he let himself believe he was safe. He let himself believe that he wouldn’t get beaten again.

++

Anger was an understatement with how Jim felt right now. He was able to do the math well enough to know that if Dean started molesting Sammy when he hit puberty, then Sammy had been getting molested since he was eight or nine. No one knew what went on exactly.

Jim knew John walked in on Dean having sex with Sam. He knew Sam bled from it. It was possible that was the first time Dean ever did that to Sam but somehow Jim doubted it. All Jim could think about was that poor child. Sammy was thirteen now but he didn’t act like a typical thirteen year old boy.

It was easy to understand once he sat down and talked to Sammy or in this case watched the child have a breakdown. Between getting molested, beaten, abandoned in sleazy motels by his father, and never being able to make friends, Jim was surprised this breakdown didn’t happen sooner. Or maybe Sammy had other breakdowns in the past and Sammy just had to suffer through them alone.

Jim knew Sammy needed professional help, a stable home, friends, and time to get through this. None of those were things Sammy had. He could see how this could end for Sammy. Drug addiction came to mind. Putting one of the million guns John left lying around to his head and pulling the trigger came to mind.

Jim tried to think of what Sammy had to live for. What did Sammy wake up each day looking forward to? The child was clearly terrified of his own family and who could blame him? He knew Sammy had no real belongings of his own. He had no mementos or a favorite toy. Sammy never spoke about his future or what he hoped to do with his life.

Thirteen was too young to know that most dreams don’t come true. It was too young to know the hardships of life. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like waking up every day expecting to be abused. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to walk in Sam’s worn shoes. Shoes that once belonged Dean. Jim felt a sickening feeling when he realized Sam was forced to wear the old clothes of his rapist and abuser.

Jim doubted buying Sam new things would make it better. It probably just confuse the child more than he already was confused. He had to talk to John. He had to help Sammy.

Jim cornered John out by his storage shed. He wasn’t sure what John was doing out there. They were waiting for Bobby to arrive with the last of the supplies to check to make sure Dean wasn’t cursed by a witch.

He spoke firmly, “John, we need to talk.”

John stopped and sat down a jar of herbs. John glanced at him and Jim knew John had been crying. His voice was weak. “What am I supposed to do? I screwed up.”

“You beat him, John. You beat him instead of asking him why he wasn’t listening to Dean. How long have you been beating him for that?”

Jim watched John and he thought back.

_Sammy was coloring with chalk on the sidewalk outside the church. He had his tongue out as he concentrated. Sammy had just turned five. He had a stuffed turtle tucked under his arm. Sammy had told him it came from his nursery._

_He watched Dean come up to Sam. Dean pushed Sam down against the concrete and took the turtle from Sam. The older boy held it above Sam’s head and laughed._

_Sam jumped up and tried to get it. He cried, “Dean, please give it back.”_

_Dean laughed and pushed Sam away. “Why freak? No one likes you.”_

_Jim got up and walked over toward the feuding brothers. He sharply said, “Dean, give your brother..” He was cut off from what he was going to say by watching Dean cut the toy in half. The stuffing fell on Sam’s head. Jim was ashamed to say it but he was stunned into silence._

_Dean pushed Sam down and said coldly, “There I gave the freak his toy back.”_

_Sammy picked up the pieces of beloved turtle and cried, “No.. no ..no.. no.”_

Life was never fair for Sam Winchester and Jim realized that Dean had showed unhealthy behavior toward Sam for years even before the molestation started.

John sounded defeated. “I did. I should have talked to Sammy but I was just focused on the hunt. I didn’t take time for Sammy like I should. I know he’s afraid I am going to beat him.  Sammy doesn’t speak unless spoken to. He won’t even move when Dean or I am around without us telling him. I ignored the small trembles in his body. I never knew what that meant.” John rubbed his hands over his face, “My god Jim, what have I done?”

Jim closed his eyes and said carefully, “Take Dean and leave once we are sure he isn’t cursed. Let me raise Sammy. Let me get Sammy the help he needs. I know you don’t want to give up your son, but we have to look at what is best for Sammy.”

John nodded and stepped out of the shed. He locked the door and said with regret, “I don’t want him to think I abandoned him. If I leave now, he will think I hate him.”

Jim closed his eyes and prayed for understanding. “If you stay, what will that do for Sammy? He will hate you whether you stay or leave. You let this happen to him and you unknowingly punished him when he did say no to Dean. Sammy should hate you."

John let out a slow breath, “I want to see him. I want to know he is okay. I won’t have Dean with me or even in the same state. But you’re right, he needs a chance to start over.”

++

Dean was tired of being chained down in the basement. He was a little disappointed that his dad had taken away all of his lock picks. That seemed unfair. He was horny. He got interrupted from his time with Sammy earlier. Sammy was being a little bitch about it so Dean didn’t take the special care he gave Sammy when he was good.

Sammy’s screams and cries were music to his ears. Everything was great until their dad showed up. Dean didn’t know what that little bitch said to their dad after he was knocked out. All he knew was Sammy was going to get the whooping of his life after this. He was going to carve his name into Sam’s skin again just as a reminder.

_Sammy was kneeling in the bathtub because he didn’t want to get blood everywhere. He knelt down in front of Sam. He shoved a dirty sock in his little brother’s mouth. He trailed his knife up Sammy’s trembling little body. He could almost taste Sam’s fear. He loved it._

_Dean held firmly onto Sam as he started to carve in Sam’s chest ‘DEAN’. He could hear Sam’s delicious screams behind the gag. He knew Sammy would stopping whining about wanting to go swimming now._

Dean watched Pastor Jim, Bobby, and his dad enter the basement. He frowned at them. He rolled his eyes dramatically and said flatly, “Can you let me go? This is silly.”

He wasn’t expecting to hear the rage from his father. “Shut up, Dean. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

Dean gave an innocent face and pouted. This was kind of boring but he did enjoy the anger. It made him feel alive.

Dean watching half in amusement and half in boredom as the three men performed a ritual. He yawned half way through until he felt a burning inside of him. His skin felt it was boiling and that just wasn’t okay. He had seen Sam’s skin boil before. He wanted to see if it was possible one time. Sam didn’t like that much.

His world faded away in a sea of red. When he came to, he felt something inside himself. He felt fear and regret. He felt a sense of loss. He felt so many things, he had never felt before.

He could hear voices. They were hushed. Bobby’s voice was gruff. “We have no way of knowing how long Dean was cursed for John. The curse could have happened before all of this or after it was going on. Dean has always been a dick to Sammy. He destroyed anything Sammy ever treasured. He cannot be around Sammy.”

There was an unabridged sadness in John’s voice, “I know, Bobby. It’s just how to do I even begin to explain this to Sammy? He hasn’t said more than two words to me and he is so scared.”

“Time, John. You have to give Sammy time. He’s strong. It will be okay.”

Dean had no idea what he was going to do now. He hurt Sammy.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place when the Sam and Dean are adults. 
> 
> As with the other chapters, there are references to child abuse and flashbacks. However, there is nothing sexual in this chapter.

It had been years since Dean had seen Sammy, his Sammy. His dad kept him away from his baby brother. He never got to speak to Sam or be in the same town when his dad visited. Dean was always left at Bobby’s house, even as adult. Sometimes, Dean was lucky enough to get to see a photograph of Sam.

It had been at least seven years since Dean got to see a photograph of Sam. Sammy was fifteen in the last photo Dean saw. It was a photograph that Dean knew represented his father’s failure at being a dad. It was a photo from the adoption preceding for Sammy. Sam Winchester was no more and Sam Murphy was created. It stung to know Sam wasn’t part of their family anymore.

Sometimes Dean wondered if Sam called Pastor Jim, Dad, or if that was still reserved for his real dad. Dean didn’t know. He didn’t know anything about Sammy. He remembered what he had done to Sammy all those years ago and he just wanted to talk to his brother.

Dean supposed that was why he was here. He was sitting outside the apartment building where one Sam Murphy and Jessica Moore lived. Sam had a girlfriend, it seemed. Dean wasn’t sure how he felt about that. It made him jealous because for so long Sammy was his. Sometimes Dean had to remind himself that he had no right to Sam. Not now and certainly not back then.

He waited patiently and after four hours a man opened the door to the apartment in question. The man was tall with shaggy brown hair. He looked strong. Dean slid down in his car so the man wouldn’t see him. Dean watched the man start to walk down the corridor and as he got closer, Dean was able to see the face better. It had been years but Dean knew this was Sammy.

Dean wondered if he should turn around and leave or if he should stay and talk to Sam. He wondered if that would even be okay. Dean thought back to a memory.

_He had been watching the little abomination for three days now. The abomination insisted on going to school which Dean allowed only because he knew their dad would be mad if he didn’t go. He had been giving Sam special gifts in his Cheerios. Dean got a certain satisfaction about setting down the bowl of cereal in front of Sam and asking, “Who pissed in your Cheerios?”_

_Sam pouted out his little lip and Dean laughed. His little brother said quietly, “Why did you do that? I was hungry. I can fix my own breakfast.”_

_Dean hit Sam upside the head hard. He was really getting sick of watching Sam. Coldly he said, “Eat your fucking cereal.” Sam didn’t move to eat any of it and Dean hit Sam again across the face._

_He was about to start to force it down Sam’s throat when the door opened to the motel room. It was their dad. Dean resisted the urge to roll his eyes. His fingers tingled with the urge to hurt Sam but he couldn’t._

_Sam pipped up, “Dad, Dean..”_

_His dad put up a hand to stop what Sam had to say. John said tiredly, “Sammy, I’m tired. Just either eat your cereal or go to school hungry.”_

_Sam went to school hungry that day._

Dean shook himself out of the memory. He wanted to throw up by his own actions. Dean took a shaky breath and realized that Sam had wandered away while he had been thinking back. He let out a slow breath because he didn’t know what to do.

++

Sam laid in his bed that night. Jessica was in her room. He sometimes had flings with Jessica but he liked his space. He liked having his own area. He couldn’t stomach anyone sleeping next to him or in the same room. Sam closed his eyes and was drifting off when he heard a crash from the kitchen. Sam knew someone was breaking in.

He retrieved a knife from the nightstand and walked quietly to the kitchen. Sam flickered on the light as he prepared to attack but stopped dead in his tracks. Dean. Dean was here. His dad said he would never have to see Dean again. Sam knew he was shaking and he felt the knife fall from his hand uselessly. So much for being a trained hunter.

_Sam hid under the table. His little legs were pressed tight up against his chest and he was shaking. Sam had snuck out of the closet where Dean told him to stay. He was hungry. Their dad left two days ago and aside from rare times when Dean dragged him to the bathroom so he could pee and steal a drink of water, Sam hadn’t left the closet._

_He thought Dean had gone out and he just wanted to eat something to stop the pains in his stomach before Dean got back. Dean was home though and Dean saw him. Sam hid under the table in a useless attempt to protect himself from his brother._

_Sam expected a beating or something, but all he heard was Dean running some water and then turning on the stove. Then there was silence. The silence stretched on as Sam sobbed quietly. When Dean left the room, Sam saw this as his break._

_He got up and ran back to the closet and closed the door behind him. Sam curled himself up in the corner again and let the darkness take him in. He didn’t get anything to eat but he was safer here. Dean couldn’t let him starve to death. Their dad would be mad about that._

_In Sam’s nine year old brain, he thought he was safe in the closet. But then the door opened and Dean held in his covered hand a pot. Sam glanced up at Dean and his brother snickered. Sam found himself whispering, “Please don’t hurt me, Dean. I.. I was just hungry.”_

_Dean reached down and grabbed Sam’s arm. Some of the water sloshed out onto Sam’s pants. It was hot and burned his skin. Sam cried out and tried to struggle out of Dean’s grasp. He didn’t want this. He just wanted something to eat._

When Sam came back to himself, Dean was next to him but not touching him. His brother’s voice sounded like he was concerned and that was enough to make Sam nearly start laughing hysterically, “Sammy, are you okay?”

Sam frowned. No one called him Sammy. It was a trigger for him. He felt the sliminess and the sickness wash over him with the trigger and he fought to bury it deep inside himself. Sam had to get through this and get Dean out of his apartment. Then Sam knew he would be moving again. The law school interview on Monday was now nothing but a pipe dream. Sam croaked out, “It’s Sam.”

Dean took a step back and sat down on a chair. Sam knew Dean was studying him. His mind told him that his brother was probably thinking up some fucked up way to hurt him. It had been nearly a decade since they saw each other. Finally, just when Sam was considering the value in trying to run again Dean spoke. “Sam, I’m sorry. Did Dad tell you I was cursed and that was why I treated you like I did?”

Sam nodded his head yes but he couldn’t find it in himself to speak at first. His head was filled with a lot of thoughts and finally Sam found his voice. “That doesn’t change anything.”

Dean seemed a little stunned, “You’re…You’re scared of me. Why are you scared of me? I…I would never hurt you. You’ve got to believe me.”

Sam glanced over at Dean. Then he took to step back and leaned against the door frame. He let it support his weight as he whispered, “You’ve always hurt me.”

Dean took a slow breath and said calmly, “How about we start out small then? I’ve been hunting the since you went to live with Pastor Jim. Dad and I split up about two years ago. I don’t know where he is now.”

Sam took a slow breath and said, “Jericho. He.. He is investigating a woman in white.”

Sam saw Dean’s anger in his muscles. It was the same as always. Dean snapped, “How do you know where he is? Dad gave you up for adoption.” Dean paused and Sam could practically feel the venom in Dean’s voice when he said, “Sam Murphy.”

Sam wrapped his arms around himself instinctively and slipped to his knees. It was one the ways he learned to make Dean happy. If he made himself smaller and appeared already broken, the torture would be less. Looking back on it now, Sam knew his actions must have been satisfying part of the curse.

Dean stood with a cladder from the chair and Sam braced himself for the pain, the humiliation, and whatever else his brother wanted. Dean grabbed Sam’s arm and it felt in Sam’s mind like he was being burned. Rationally, Sam knew this wasn’t the case. Dean half-led and half-dragged Sam over to the table and sat him down in a chair. Sam wasn’t sure what to do. He wanted to run.

Dean sat back down and sighed, “Sam, talk to me, please. I.. I know I fucked up. I am not going to hurt you.”

Sam took a shallow breath as panic filled him. He decided to trust as he croaked out, “Cabinet.. medication.” Sam pointed toward the cabinet next to the refrigerator.

+

Dean stood and opened the cabinet. Inside was your garden variety anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sleep aids. Dean pulled out the Xanax because he assumed that was what Sam wanted. He took out a pill and gave Sam a small bottle of water from the refrigerator. Sam took the pill and drank the water with shaky hands.

Forty-five minutes later of Dean just staring at Sam, his little brother seemed to be doing better. Sam licked his lips and said calmly without making eye contact, “I don’t know what you want from me.”

Dean knew it was selfish but he wanted Sam in his life. He wanted his little brother as a hunting partner. Dean shook his head and asked, “So is this your life? Going to class and pumping yourself full of pills?”

Sam glanced up and shrugged at that. His voice was quiet, “I had a rough childhood. My formative years weren’t filled with positive things. The lack of a good start put me at a statistically higher chance of developing some form of mental illness.” Sam shrugged again.

Dean closed his eyes and counted to ten. He fixed his gaze on Sam. He poured as much emotion as he could into his words, “I’m sorry, Sam. Will you please talk to me about this? How can I fix it?”

Sam closed his eyes as a tear fell down his face, “You can’t.”

Sam let out a shaky breath as Dean heard Sam’s cell phone ring. Sam mechanically walked into the other room where he left it. “Hey Dad… I know… He’s here… No, not yet… Oh… Dad? Dad?” Sam closed the phone stared at it. He looked back up at Dean and whispered. “He was calling to warn me that you’re here… Then the woman in white got the jump on him.. I… I have to leave. I have to go find him… Save him.”

Dean grinned as Sam blankly left the room to gather supplies. This was the way back to Sam. He just had to make sure Sam didn’t have a reason to come back here and he had to make sure they didn’t find Dad. Dean felt a tingle under his skin; one he hadn’t felt in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this messed up story, leaving comments, kudos, and all that jazz. Comment moderation is only because of trolls on my other stories. I do enjoy reading non-trolling comments and I will get the troll-free comments approved as quickly as possible. If you're a troll, you can expect your comment to be deleted and not approved.
> 
> This chapter was written because some people asked me nicely to write another chapter. I know it took me months, but better late than never.


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